So Unworthy

This is such a sobering feeling to know how God has chosen me to do what i do, to think that, that night when i was totally breaking down inside fighting not to cry because of how much i was hurting God and telling him to "let me do what i gotta do" and then the instance i was just like "God im coming back home" he ran to me with open arms and said welcome home son. Its unfathomable i feel so unworthy

I AM SO UNWORTHY

but through him i can do anything and he loves me and its just such a weird thing to grasp

God you amaze me everyday

New Sense of Responsibility

Well, as you know i have been attending the bible study that Eric has been heading up and things have been going so great. I've gotten to see new people come to Christ, like my good friend Micheal Collins which is so awesome and his girl Roxanne. And recently I've gotten the opportunity within the last week to see this girl Miriah and her friend Bryan come to know the Lord. It has been so awesome.

Though through all of this it has been a weird experience for me because i found myself struggling with the same things as i did before and still in the same old habits that i was into before. Now things have changed. God has blessed me with the new responsibility of Leading and being in charge of the worship part of our group, and i cant tell you how amazing that makes me feel and how much of an impact it has already had on me. Things i did before i cant think of doing now because of this place of responsibility that I'm in, in fact they seem petty and just stupid.

The first night we did worship i was totally un-prepared and caught of guard so i went and just wung it and within the first half hour a young girl walked up and had accepted the Lord. AWESOME!!!! Then the next study we had she shows up with a friend and HE ACCEPTS CHRIST!!!! what a testimony this is that the Lord of all is in control.

if you want to join us we are gonna do it every Saturday night probably sometime between 7 and 8pm call me if you want to come and ill tell you where

The Process

its awesome when a random tune pops up in my head
then i put words to the song according to how i feel and how the song makes me feel, or how the song makes me look at the world around me or inside my own head.

like tonight a tune popped up in my head and i was excited because it has a jazzy bluesy feel to it, but i didn't expect write the blues.

but ill say this, looking deep inside myself i feel like a failure. i guess every song cant be a happy one.

Jet Plane (Happy Song )

So I'm sitting in my place of dwelling a couple nights ago and thinking i feel like writing a song, and just i say that this tune just pops up in my head. At this point I'm just in awe, so instantly i pick up my guitar and start trying to feel out this tune. as my fingers start gently sliding down the strings the melody starts stringing together and this turns out to be that happiest tune that i have ever written. (I cant even really say that this tune is completely mine, like God just gifted this to me.) So i start thinking this needs some lyrics and i don't know what i want to write about yet. As i think to myself about making words it dawns on me when i hear this song i just feel happy, so i decided to write about happy things and this is what i came up with:

Raindrops
for the first time on a babies forehead,
singing songs and melodies of hapiness,
Photoes,
of you and your grandpa while your walkin,
never lose such a memory,


As your life flies by you like a jet plane
please remember its not about the bad days
and for the future always pay attention to the little things

Air is,
Flowing through your fingers
while riding in a car thats going nowhere
The First Kiss,
after the best date you've ever had
leaves its mark upon your lips forever

As your life flies by you like a jet plane
please remember its not about the bad days
and for the future always pay attention to the little things

letting go,
moving forward,
starting over,
getting older,
all these things to come and many things to go
and all the while just seeing it in slow mo-

Now you and me
watching the sunset below the horizon
never felt as sweet as such a memory


So yea that was this little gift that was given to me and i just thought i would share it with you I'm so excited about it. I love you God so much and i thank you so much everyday for the gift of music and the outlet that it gives me.

this is tough

So today has been a tough day, im really troubled. i have serious problems with brandon

Divine Romance

So, Sunday night was amazing. I can't believe i was apart of something so awesome, God really moved in that place. It was actually kinda funny during practice i was sitting around maybe 10 or 15 of my peers who have NEVER heard me sing and were really interested, so i was really nervous and when it came time for me to sing i was thinking about myself doing good instead singing to God. So i started in on the greatests of greats, consuming fire (one of my newhall faves) and it wasn't that bad, but i was still a little self confident and then my voice started cracking and thats when it all started. The next song was Divine Romance and that was the song i have been waiting to do for sooting long and it'll tell you why in a moment, but i started singing that relatively high song and it was SOOO BAD i was embarrassed and nervous and i got of the stage shaking. the night moved and it the real thing was about to happen, and this is where it gets awesome, it came to my turn to lead the next 2 songs and i was like "you know what everyone stop its time to pray. God im sorry for coming in here with my eyes set in a different direction and i want whatever i do to be for you and for you alone no one else is here but me and you." and as i looked into the crowd i saw some confused faces and then some awesome faces. but i went along and sang in my songs and WOW it was amazing i felt God through me.

after the whole thing i was starting to think of my performance again and starting to get bummed and i get on myspace ,and im telling you this is the best compliment ive ever gotten, this girl that was there said to me "you really touched me through your praises and things really clicked.....and you really remind me of john mayer when you sing ;)"

AAAAGGGGHHH!!! that brightened up my night and the next 2 days lol what a glorious night.

any who divine romance was the second song i sang and no one knew it except for me and Andi but i didn't care so i sang the song and the second verse in particular always gets me:

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

it puts into a small way the perspective of how much God's love is and it doesnt even scratch the service but i am so so touched by this song because it illuminates the fact that God's love is more than just the love of a friend, its the love of a father its the love of your lover its the love of everything all for you and i cant wait to sing that song somewhere else.

if you sat and read this entire thing of rambeling your a champ and thanks for caring :D

Making A Come back

Alright, so for the few of you that even know that i have a blogger or come around to check if i ever post anything i have a treat for you. I am coming back full and strong, i have recently been fighting with myself to really stay awake in the spirit but for a little bit i got lulled back to sleep. I' am awake now and im trying my best to stay that way.

Now for the update. For the past 4 months i have been living with my bestfriend Dave and things have been great and everyday is a new adventure. We have grown so much closer as friends and im so excited because of that. Also in this house of men is Brandon Brinson, which has been interesting because me and him clash in some things. But i hand it to him that he really perseveres we have had our little arguments ha.

Just recently infact i have become much better friends with Andi Reynolds, and it has been exciting, this is the most fun i have ever had with someone other than Dave. Even more intense is that we are both starting to study more of the bible together, and we are both pretty stoked about it.

My mom and i have grown much closer as have me and my brother and sister which is way cool because we were all kinda disfunctional but now im so proud to be in my family which is pretty bad that i wasnt before and im sorry about that. All in all things are starting to look great

this week infact im gonna be leading some worship at my church which is intense in itself for me because im completley confident that im going into it with the right heart and im so excited about what God is doing in my life and ill keep you guys updated

I'm Torn Between 2 Great choices

I'm currently out of an official place to call home, me and my Dad kind of split off of our living arrangements and he has a room that he is renting and i have 2 choices.

Choice one:

The Fasting rooms at harvest temple where i can get some mentoring and learn new things everyday. Where i can also get to know everyone a little bit better and just kind of grow.

Or

Choice two:

Stay with my bestfriend and basically one of the only people who has stuck with me through everything, where i would actually grow my relationship with and ontop of that he is like totally get more and more into God with me and its so awesome.

i really want to take choice 2 but im being told that i shouldnt move in with dave because i should be at harvest temple and because i would grow there, but whos to say that i cant grow while living with Dave, ya know like i could live with him and go to harvest temple all the time.

I dont know, the one real influential person in my life doesnt think i should but at the same time i dont really see the problem.

what to do? I've got a choice

The Prodigal Son

As some of you may know, i posted this blog on myspace a little while back. Now im posting it on here but this is my revised version...

Luke 15:11-32 is the story of the prodigal son but for those of you who don't feel like opening open the good book and reading a little ill summarize.

So the story goes like this. There is a father who has 2 sons and 1 asks for all his inheritance then turns his back and goes off and lives and adventurous wild life spending all his money on prostitutes and immoral things basically loses all his money and a famine hits the country he is living in. Now he's desperate and decides to go back to his dad as a servant to get some money and food, but instead his dad welcomes him with open arms and throws him a party. long story short that Father doesn't care what he did he just welcomes back.

the story most of us hear is about the son's part of the story but we don't hear about the fathers side because well there really isn't. But lets think of it like this The Father is God.

I heard a song by Dustin Kensrue called Please Come Home..(thanks Tom). The song kinda modernized the Prodigal son story but told it from the fathers point of view and it really opened my eyes and when i really listened and i almost cried. Particularly the verse chorus and the bridge near the end of the song.

It says:

And now you've hit bottom
All those doors have shut
And your hungry stomach tied in knots
But i know what your thinking
That you troubled me enough
Nothing could ever separate you from my love

I still stand here waiting
with my eyes fixed on the road
and i fight back tears and i wonder
if you're ever coming home
don't you know son that i love you
and i don't care where you've been

Yes and ill be right here waiting
Till you come around the bend
And i run to you and hold you close
Won't let go again

So, please come home
please come home

The Father in that song is God. He gave us all we could ever need and he wants to give us more but when we go out there and do so many immoral things, or dont even give God a second thought, we turn our back on him. When we do that we break his heart and he stands there and he watches for us to come back, crying and hurt, all he wants us to do is to come back home to him.

Just imagine the God of the universe, in his almighty power and strength weeping for you to come back and hes just waiting.

After writing this blog somethings changed and i started busying myself with the world and became what i talked about in this blog, which is the prodigal son. Now I've come back from my little get away in the world only to find that God and all the people who care about me are just waiting so i now have not only read this and wrote it, but i have lived it, and its the best feeling in the world to know he's always here for you .